I'm Sorry, Spider

I wept today.

I am learning to meditate. I suck at it. I suppose I will for a while. But in some other-worldy way I think I made progress. I was in a guided meditation group this evening. I was as relaxed as I could be. I was taken to a point where my loved ones are supposed to meet me. And just like last time... there were only animals. I'm not clear on how this is supposed to work... well, I have an idea. But I'm pretty fuzzy. The last time I got to this point the animlas that greeted me were my loyal compadres, Tibet, Pete, & Talbot. Today, they were there again, but also Katie showed up. Katie is the cat I had until a few years ago. Talbot never knew Katie, but Tibet & Pete did. During this visit something occured to me.

I asked myself, why are there no people? I started looking around for my grandparents. I kind of felt like my grandfather was around, or at least his influence. And suddenly I became very sad. I felt alone. I shouldn't have, but I did. My friends were there. My dogs, my last cat. My current cat, Goliath, must still be out chasing birds or something. He hasn't been around yet.
So I was wondering why I had living and dead animals there.

But then, my brain working the way it does, started analyzing. That's what I do. I analyze. They say half of analysis is anal anyway. :-)

I wasn't alone, but I felt it. Then I realized people were missing and that means something. And I think I know. So I became sad and wept.

Then came the point where my "guide" takes me to another place to meet my teacher while my loved ones waited for me at the safe place. Hmm, trouble was, there was no guide. It was my intuition telling me to go over there. So I went. I don't know if I was in the right place, but I didn't perceive any other paths. There was no teacher. There was a pool of water. I peered into the pool. I thought of the scene in LOTR where Frodo looks into the well and sees the past, present, and what has not yet come to pass. No, I didn't see Frodo or Sauron or orcs ravaging the countryside. I saw the shimmering surface of a pool that didn't reflect anything, nor did it reveal anything beneath the surface.

What was I supposed to think. I was really alone. So there goes my brain.... I'm alone because I don't let anyone in or I'm alone because there is still something I'm supposed to figure out before my guide and teacher are revealed. Or I'm alone b/c I am my own teacher (is that arrogant or what?). Hey, I can't control these ideas any more than I can control my emotions.

I was so consumed with these thoughts I lost contact w/ the group facilitator. I came out of my state to find tears pooled in my eyes and as I blinked they were squeezed out. I glanced around (I know, I cheated) and saw the others still in their places. I tried to get back and managed to find myself leaving the pool. But still alone and I felt a pang of sadness that excited my ducts again and more elixer of salty sadness dripped out onto my cheek.

My sinuses followed and for a brief moment I had to breath through my mouth. I lost focus.
I tried to get back to my safe place right about the same time the facilitator brought us back there. But this time there was something different. A totem was there with my loved ones. I was surprised, for this was new to me. What appeared actually made me feel a little better, but in the same instant I grew sad again, even more than before. This (what I'm assuming to be one of my totems) was a spider. What made me sad is the flash of memory that came to me where I mistreated a spider once as a kid. I remember it so vividly. This is one of those haunting memories that I never escape. I don't think I am meant to escape it. I actually want to keep it b/c it reminds me of what "humanity" has done our mother Earth and her children....

I remember what I did.....

I was living in El Paso. I was about 7 or 8 years old. I spent a lot of time outside as a kid. There is this mountain range running through El Paso, the Franklin Mountains. We lived close to the foothills. I would roam around these hills quite a bit and explore. This one particular day another boy & I were doing just that. We were crossing this fairly wide drainage ditch and half way across we enountered a tarantula. We freaked and bolted to the other side. So this kid and I started throwing rocks at it from a distance. This is when I regret having a good aim. We must have hurled about 30 rocks at this spider. Poor thing, it was so exposed in the middle of the concrete ditch and it was getting pelted by stones whichever direction it tried to run. First it would tumble once or twice when we hit it. Soon a leg fell off, then another and before too long it was motionless with only 2 or 3 of its legs attached. The others were scattered. A couple of the legs were torn in two. The other boy and I celebrated. We were real heroes. We vanquished the evil master of terror! I was just a kid. A stupid, pudgy little kid with a good arm.

That event is a conerstone in my memory bank as a life changing event. It didn 't change my life then. But it did later. If that was supposed to be some sacrifice for me to learn the value of life and all Earth's creatures (except mosquitos... hey, gotta draw the line somewhere) then its a crappy lesson. It hurts me still. I still weep when I think of that spider.

So is this why the spider appeared to me? Is this a message? Is this the spider telling me that "Hey, kid. You were young and stupid, but you are the better for it now." I don't know but I sure hope so. Because, truthfully, I'm an advocate for spiders now. I have been for many years. I think they, like snakes, have endured despite being so wrongfully maligned for so many centuries. Some lessons hurt.

I'm sorry Spider. I won't do it again. I promise.