Whoever discovers the secrets of the heart must keep it secret. Should such powerful knowledge ever be unveiled, it would be the end of humanity as we know it.
For it is this mystery that keeps us guessing from one day to the next.
For me, I would have thought I would be done by now. Done with my mournful thoughts. Though they are, by far, less frequent and less intense, they continue to haunt me periodically.
This is a safe avenue for my thoughts to travel, for she does not know of this digital journal.
It baffles me that I still harbor the feelings I do for someone with whom I spent such a minute portion of my life. It is strong evidence for the quality of time spent that matters, as opposed to the length. I learned tremendous lessons from my 3 month venture into the seas of passionate love. Yes, that's 3 months. And this weekend marks significant anniversaries for me....
- It was 6 months ago today that we first exchanged emails. 4 or 5 of them over the course of the day.
- It will be 6 months tomorrow that we spoke on the phone. 4 hours over a medium that, as a rule, I never really enjoyed much. I prefer talking ion person. Always have.
- It will be 6 months the day after, that we met, and I began to fall in love... excitably and unknowing of what was in store. This was the day that magic began.
For 3 months my passion burned so brightly a blind man in Iceland might have felt the warmth. A fire that burns brightly burns quickly, they say. Only 3 months. We have now been apart for as long as we were together. And yet, I still cannot quell my heart's desire for that companionship. Why?
I no longer mourn to the point that my sleep suffers. Nor do I spend all waking hours longing for her return, yet there is always something to remind me of what I had, however briefly. Only 3 months of this love and it marked my heart and soul so deeply that it redefined me. I changed who I am as a result of this love for this woman. I became a better man in many ways.
In 3 months, I was affected so profoundly that my previous 42 years are barely recognizable. This in only 3 months.
After hours upon hours of deliberating within my heart and mind... a mind that I once believed to be a powerful one, I have come to the humbling conclusion, that I really never knew her at all. I have never been so wrong about a person in so many ways. I did not understand her. Apparently I never knew her at all. How much of this is my fault? How much of this is her fault?
All I ever asked in return is to be loved and to be understood. And for the first part of those 3 months I believed I was on my way to having my dreams realized. I now believe that is the greatest comfort I can ask for.... not wealth, not a plush bed upon which to rest my head, or a fanciful home. Not even the promise for eternal bliss. But the comfort in knowing someone understands you and still loves you completely.
Never before was I so willing to give everything of me and even more. I made accomodations for things I previoiusly would not not have tolerated. I was bewithched and intoxicated, but not in a malicious manner. I was astounded that so many things I desire in a woman were actually right before me. Right there for me to see, to hear, to touch, and to smell. Her scent alone lingered within my nostrils for hours when we were apart. I used to cuddle the pillow on which her head rested, breathing deeply and slowly, ingesting her aroma. When she would come to visit all my neurons fired with excitement and anticipation as I laid my eyes upon her. In so many ways I felt my existence mattered so much more than it ever had before.
For that is what I offered her. I willingly gave my heart and soul over to her. I entrusted my essence to her her... and only her. But I erred. In more ways than one, I erred. I saw what others did not. But now I wonder if I saw only what I wanted and hoped to see, instead of what was there. I refuse to believe that my heart loved an illusion. I refuse to believe that my love was in vain. Alas, it appears to be so.
I have made attempts to "move on", as it were and have found it more difficult than what I believe it should be. Yes, only 3 months... and all this spiritual turmoil.
2 weeks ago she called me. But the conversation was empty. For an hour on the phone, little was said. I spoke little. It was mostly her telling me about what has been going on with her. I kept waiting for some purpose for the phone call.
As much as I hate to admit it, I was still hoping there would be some indication on her part that I am missed... that I am thought of... or dare I even conceive the idea... that I was desired. But there was no such confession from her. Why then... why the phone call. My friends tell me to stop torturing myself. Agreeable sentiment, certainly. I suppose I would say the same thing if I were in their shoes.
So I am left wondering where her mind is... where her heart is. If I was so wrong about her, then wherein lies the truth? What lies in her heart and mind? What thoughts of me are there? Damn my incessant desire to "know"! If I were to know the truth would I find it appeasing? Or would it facilitate my emotional discomfort?
Sometimes it pains me to think that she has desires for others, rather than me. Whether she does or not, is entirely unknown to me. After all, I have been so very wrong about her. With that said, she has also been very wrong about me. And a large part of my pain lies in my belief that she had no interest in learning the truth of me. She simply discovered that she was not attracted to me and that I didn't suit her, so decided that I was not what she wanted after all. So I assumed she left easily. And again... I wonder... am I wrong about that as well? I am trying to come to terms with the idea that I will likely never know.
Damn my incessant desire to "know"!
All this in only 3 months.
