Just for you, babe... Happy (what would have been) six months

Yeah, it was 6 months ago today that she & I met. I started to fall in love almost right away.
What a day it was, too! I wouldn't trade it for anything. Such promise was laid out before us... such potential.

But I didn't see the whole picture. I mean, who ever does when your heart is all a-flutter?
The other side of that coin is there was also promise and potential for difficulty and pain as well. I didn't see that part. I was just too blown away by this incredible woman that was interested in me! Tremendous excitement!! I loved every minute of it.

It might seem like I'm dwelling. Maybe I am.... but truthfully, I'm not having as hard a time today as I thought I would. I was anticipating worse. I must admit having to struggle with myself today.... fighting against the urge to call her... or email her just to say,

"Happy what would have been six months anniversary, baby!"

But I didn't. I was hoping that maybe she would remember what today is and call me. Or at least text me. Do you think she remembers today? I'd like to think so. But then again... I really can't figure anything on this woman.

Many people would laugh or at least chuckle at my monologue. How silly it must appear that a 42 year old guy going about about a 3 month relationship. "Move on, dude." Yeah maybe... but I choose to commemorate. And I will again when it has been a year because that relationship was THAT significant to me. Even if I meet a magnificent woman tomorrow and fall in love all over again, I will still remember her and acknowledge what she meant to me.... even if it was only 3 months. So I say to you that may ostracize me.... I will always honor those that made me better, whether through pain or through bliss. Nod your head and say "Aye!" if you agree.

Besides, its not that simple to just forget that day anyway. The universe... or God... or Allah... or Jehovah..... or the Great Spirit...... or whoever.... made it a point today to make sure that I didn't forget.

Oh yeah! Something really really weird happened today.... and of all days it was today.... on the 6 month anniversary. I couldn't have scripted this any better. If someone had told me this happened to them I would be reluctant to believe them.... but sometimes stuff like this happens to me.
So you wanna know what happened, do ya...?? This will help explain why it was such a struggle for me NOT to call her.

Let me explain a little piece of our history to set the scene....

Without going into any great detail, I'll hit the point in a hurry.

On our first date... March 20, 2010, the Vernal Equinox, no less... you know... 1st day of Spring... new life springing forth and all that jazz... yeah, new love for me too... but I digress....
On that day we met for coffee at 11:00AM at a local coffee shop. We hit it off and get carried away in conversation. 4 hours later.... yes... 4 hours later neither of us wants the date to end so we agree to take a short break to tend to our dogs at home and then meet in about an hour at the movie theater.
Upon my arriving at the theater I discovered that I had a flat. How embarrassing! But at least I wasn't picking her up. So we watched the movie, Avatar. After that she pulled her car around to my truck and aired up my flat tire for me. That's right... she did. She had one of those emergency compressors that will also jump your battery if needed. Handy thing to have. I offered to do it but she insisted that I just let her. Ok, then... so she aired up my tire enough for me to get to a store to buy one of those cans that airs up your tire long enough to get the flat fixed.
After a late dinner and an 11 and a half hour date we said good night. The next day I took my truck in and had the flat mended.

Ok, great story, huh!? Yeah... here's the weird part....

I got a flat today.

Yup... 6 months later... to the day, mind you, I got a flat. Who would ever imagine that? So how in the hell can I NOT think about that day 6 months ago!? It sure makes a compelling argument for those that believe in fate... or providence.... or divine intervention... or whatever. Don't you think? Crazy!

And yet, I refrained from calling, emailing, or texting her. But I sure wanted to. Even if I did and I told her what happened, I doubt she'd believe it. I doubt I'd believe it!

Well, folks.... that's my story for today. I'm a little sad that I let something so magical go. But it wasn't all me. But I'm surprised that I'm doing as well as I am. So no, I'm not dwelling, my friends... certainly not wallowing. Just commemorating!

Have a great Tuesday, all!
Be well.

Ah, 7 miles today... in the rain!

Yes, we have rain... lots of it.
I always love the rain. I love rainy weather, especially on the weekend. One of my favorite things is to hang out on the couch with my girlfriend and lazily listen to the pattering of the rain on the roof. Oh wait... can't do that now... Too bad, I guess. Just one of the things I miss about being in a relationship. Its ok, though.... there will be another.... some day.

I had a great time yesterday hanging out with my friends playing board games. It ended up being an all day affair. If you enjoy playing board games with friends, raise your hand and say "I wanna play!" Now look around to make sure no one saw you :-)

The rain has been (almost) unrelenting today. It was slow enough this morning for me to go run.
I took Friday and Saturday off from running. This was the first time since I started running regularly that I took 2 consecutive days off. In an effort to make up for some of that I ran 7 miles today. The rain was light when I started. There was a brief period where it picked up considerably, but then it let up again. All in all I ran for about an hour and 10 minutes. But it was good.

Earlier this afternoon I took Talbot (one of my dogs in case you forgot) to the groomers for his appointment. The rain was heavy at the time and my street was literally covered with a sheet of water about 2 inches deep. So I made my way to Petsmart with Talbot. I had no trouble getting him in the truck. Getting him out was another story. As I was driving I suddenly got a small shower of rain inside my truck. I thought I left a window open, but Talbot decided it was a good time to shake the excess water off his coat. I never thought I'd need my umbrella inside the truck! hehe. As we arrived, after some creative maneuvering through the flooded parking lot at Moore Plaza, we learned that the store was closing on account of the access roads flooding. Great! But there is good news.... They rescheduled Talbot for next Sunday with a 15% discount on the grooming. Now that's customer service! Maybe it will flood again next week and they will reschedule again for another 15%! Yeah, wishful thinking. :-)

But its all good. The 15% will save me about 10 bucks. Nice!

So now I am home-bound. I have plenty to keep me busy. I brought school work... (yuck) but it needs to get done. I have a full week lined up for the kids and I need to have everything ready.
I would much rather have someone to hang out and relax with. Maybe someone that can rub my sore calves and hammies. Maybe next time.

Well, then... time to get my kitchen cleaned up.. get ready to make some chili for later. And with the laundry in the dryer I can get some school work done.

Until next time.... be well. Stay dry. And if you do happen to get wet... have fun with it!

When will it be long enough?

When indeed?
Whoever discovers the secrets of the heart must keep it secret. Should such powerful knowledge ever be unveiled, it would be the end of humanity as we know it.
For it is this mystery that keeps us guessing from one day to the next.

For me, I would have thought I would be done by now. Done with my mournful thoughts. Though they are, by far, less frequent and less intense, they continue to haunt me periodically.

This is a safe avenue for my thoughts to travel, for she does not know of this digital journal.
It baffles me that I still harbor the feelings I do for someone with whom I spent such a minute portion of my life. It is strong evidence for the quality of time spent that matters, as opposed to the length. I learned tremendous lessons from my 3 month venture into the seas of passionate love. Yes, that's 3 months. And this weekend marks significant anniversaries for me....

• It was 6 months ago today that we first exchanged emails. 4 or 5 of them over the course of the day.
• It will be 6 months tomorrow that we spoke on the phone. 4 hours over a medium that, as a rule, I never really enjoyed much. I prefer talking ion person. Always have.
• It will be 6 months the day after, that we met, and I began to fall in love... excitably and unknowing of what was in store. This was the day that magic began.

For 3 months my passion burned so brightly a blind man in Iceland might have felt the warmth. A fire that burns brightly burns quickly, they say. Only 3 months. We have now been apart for as long as we were together. And yet, I still cannot quell my heart's desire for that companionship. Why?

I no longer mourn to the point that my sleep suffers. Nor do I spend all waking hours longing for her return, yet there is always something to remind me of what I had, however briefly. Only 3 months of this love and it marked my heart and soul so deeply that it redefined me. I changed who I am as a result of this love for this woman. I became a better man in many ways.

In 3 months, I was affected so profoundly that my previous 42 years are barely recognizable. This in only 3 months.

After hours upon hours of deliberating within my heart and mind... a mind that I once believed to be a powerful one, I have come to the humbling conclusion, that I really never knew her at all. I have never been so wrong about a person in so many ways. I did not understand her. Apparently I never knew her at all. How much of this is my fault? How much of this is her fault?

All I ever asked in return is to be loved and to be understood. And for the first part of those 3 months I believed I was on my way to having my dreams realized. I now believe that is the greatest comfort I can ask for.... not wealth, not a plush bed upon which to rest my head, or a fanciful home. Not even the promise for eternal bliss. But the comfort in knowing someone understands you and still loves you completely.

Never before was I so willing to give everything of me and even more. I made accomodations for things I previoiusly would not not have tolerated. I was bewithched and intoxicated, but not in a malicious manner. I was astounded that so many things I desire in a woman were actually right before me. Right there for me to see, to hear, to touch, and to smell. Her scent alone lingered within my nostrils for hours when we were apart. I used to cuddle the pillow on which her head rested, breathing deeply and slowly, ingesting her aroma. When she would come to visit all my neurons fired with excitement and anticipation as I laid my eyes upon her. In so many ways I felt my existence mattered so much more than it ever had before.

For that is what I offered her. I willingly gave my heart and soul over to her. I entrusted my essence to her her... and only her. But I erred. In more ways than one, I erred. I saw what others did not. But now I wonder if I saw only what I wanted and hoped to see, instead of what was there. I refuse to believe that my heart loved an illusion. I refuse to believe that my love was in vain. Alas, it appears to be so.

I have made attempts to "move on", as it were and have found it more difficult than what I believe it should be. Yes, only 3 months... and all this spiritual turmoil.

2 weeks ago she called me. But the conversation was empty. For an hour on the phone, little was said. I spoke little. It was mostly her telling me about what has been going on with her. I kept waiting for some purpose for the phone call.

As much as I hate to admit it, I was still hoping there would be some indication on her part that I am missed... that I am thought of... or dare I even conceive the idea... that I was desired. But there was no such confession from her. Why then... why the phone call. My friends tell me to stop torturing myself. Agreeable sentiment, certainly. I suppose I would say the same thing if I were in their shoes.

So I am left wondering where her mind is... where her heart is. If I was so wrong about her, then wherein lies the truth? What lies in her heart and mind? What thoughts of me are there? Damn my incessant desire to "know"! If I were to know the truth would I find it appeasing? Or would it facilitate my emotional discomfort?

Sometimes it pains me to think that she has desires for others, rather than me. Whether she does or not, is entirely unknown to me. After all, I have been so very wrong about her. With that said, she has also been very wrong about me. And a large part of my pain lies in my belief that she had no interest in learning the truth of me. She simply discovered that she was not attracted to me and that I didn't suit her, so decided that I was not what she wanted after all. So I assumed she left easily. And again... I wonder... am I wrong about that as well? I am trying to come to terms with the idea that I will likely never know.

Damn my incessant desire to "know"!

All this in only 3 months.

You must see this

Just for a moment... lets forget that it has been over a year since my last post. Let's not take time to catch up on what I have been up to for the past 15 months.... although there have been some very significant events in my life... some of the most significant in my entire life...

That's not what this is about...

Its about (what could be) the singular most powerful movie I have ever watched.
A little while ago I finished watching "The Stoning of Soraya M."

Check out the trailer here...





I don't want to give too much away, although the title pretty much says it all.
It boggles the rational mind that any religion (or any civilized people) can dicate a law that mandates this kind of brutality.

This movie will keep you riveted to your seat and at the same time will piss you off.
I don't pretend to be an expert on Islamic culture, but I find it hard to accept that this is something that can occur on any given day. It just goes to show that justification is completely subjective.

I don't know if this means that I will resume my blog. In fact, as I become more enmeshed into the new school year, I find it unlikely. So today's entry is merely a platform... a stage, if you will, to showcase this film.



Watch it, if you dare.